Can one call their research their friend? I think so, in fact I think sometimes you must. My friend I had written 10,000 spectacular words about in the shape of a literature review. It wasn't finished, but then when is writing ever finished, but it did have content and flow and structure and 10,000 little words strung together over weeks of drafting and redrafting. In my big brave decision to alter the direction, albeit slightly, of the PhD I now find myself in the unenviable position of having to write another literature review.
Part of me is secretly pleased about this. I am, when it comes down to it, a total swot. I like studying, reading, writing and thinking. I enjoy deadlines. I want to have to put pen to paper and produce something promising. However, there is another part of me that has 'the fear'. The fear that I'll get stuck at the reading, or at the first sentence, or I'll never find a closing paragraph. To those of you who write regularly you will know that 10,000 words isn't really all that many; not once you have headings and the ideas take over and you churn out twenty pages just to define one of the words in the subtitle.
I suppose my real fear is not that I have to write 10,000 words. It is not that I will probably lose a plethora of evenings and most weekends in order to do so - and just as the sun is coming out. It is because I want it to be good. One of the best pieces of advice I saw given to a writer was 'it doesn't have to be good, it just has to be written.' I wholeheartedly take this principle on - but just not in this case. I don't just want it to be written. I want it to be bloody good this time. I want the argument to be clear from the start. I want to find things in the literature that not only excite me but that I can use as leverage to excite others about my research. I want to know that I have the building blocks set and ready to bear my weight. So really, I had best get on with it then. There's just a couple of articles to read first, and then there was that chapter in that book, and I'm sure I saw an abstract about something somewhere...
Thursday 31 March 2011
Wednesday 30 March 2011
The annual review
So, it was with trepidation I faced the prospect of the annual review this afternoon. Most sensible students (which is not a category I find myself in) would have quite happily stuck to their original intention for their PhD to get through the annual review; chart progress, show development, list clear followed through intentions. Oh no, not I. I decide one week before the main event to change the direction of the research - giving my supervisors precisely 20minutes to get to grips with the new direction before we are faced with selling this to our reviewer. Give them maximum credit, they rose to the challenge and didn't throw me out along with the new proposal. Instead we had an excellent discussion about why the change in direction and if I am honest I think it actually helped with the review; I had to really defend my decisions - quite rightly.
I seem to have done a fairly good job as there was lots of smiling and they have allowed me to both progress and in the new direction. YIPPEE! I just need to write up all of the paperwork this evening and get it off to them.
I have had some tough supervisions in the past but today's was a definite success, At one point I could hear myself talking about my project and I thought, you have really thought about this, you really care about this and you sound like you do. Good feeling. I did have to stifle a giggle at the end when the reviewer noted that she found my enthusiasm for the work infectious - I am always accused of being enthusiastic - sometimes when I don't even realise I am being. I can be quite a cynical bugger internally but I have the outward persona of a possessed bunny rabbit on speed. Secretly I am enthusiastic about this project though, because it is great. Just shhhhhhhhhh.
I seem to have done a fairly good job as there was lots of smiling and they have allowed me to both progress and in the new direction. YIPPEE! I just need to write up all of the paperwork this evening and get it off to them.
I have had some tough supervisions in the past but today's was a definite success, At one point I could hear myself talking about my project and I thought, you have really thought about this, you really care about this and you sound like you do. Good feeling. I did have to stifle a giggle at the end when the reviewer noted that she found my enthusiasm for the work infectious - I am always accused of being enthusiastic - sometimes when I don't even realise I am being. I can be quite a cynical bugger internally but I have the outward persona of a possessed bunny rabbit on speed. Secretly I am enthusiastic about this project though, because it is great. Just shhhhhhhhhh.
Tuesday 29 March 2011
Who'd have thunk it
So, this evening's challenge was only to look up the telephone numbers of student support departments in the 17 Universities in the Midlands. I foolishly thought this would be easy. HA. Wrong. I have laboriously trolled through comparison websites, university sites, even wikipedia to try and identify departments and phone numbers and emails. To no avail. I have managed to get the switchboard numbers to every University in the West Midlands and tomorrow I will ring them and ask for a name and email for the Director of their student service departments. Why is this harder than the research itself!
Tomorrow I go East!
Tomorrow I go East!
Monday 28 March 2011
The google-tap
Today I have developed a new found respect for the 'old school' among us. This is because I have spent the evening cutting and pasting until my fingernails were sweating. In revising a research proposal one realises that there are elements that can be borrowed from previous work and there are the notes that are stored on a hard drive somewhere and the 3rd version of a literature review that got sidetracked. All of these bits and pieces can be amalgamated and tweaked, in places entirely rewritten, but they can be laid out on a page and digested. How did one do this with pens and paper and without the use of a computer, especially with notes or half finished things where the references are often incomplete?
Now we are but a google tap away from polished footnotes and complete page references for any quotation I find myself thinking that this evening's work would have taken me days in the past. The actual physical act of writing would possibly not have varied that much but I would certainly have needed at least one trip to a library and a heck of a lot more patience. Tonight I have rewritten paragraphs - had a cup of tea - and then revised them. Once I am happy with them I get that feeling of completion, even if it is just with a sentence or paragraph. If I knew that I had to handwrite it again in some format once the whole project was complete I think the tea would have rapidly become gin.
My other observation was on-line communities. Whilst I have been working I have also been able to tweet, email and check the book of face. This is great. In the past, when working, I would dread the phone ringing because of the interruption but a little part of me would long for it so I had contact with someone, even if it was to tell them to sod off. Social networking means I can work and then email my supervisor - who is also up working - to ask them a question - and they get back to me. I can tweet a friend for some banal quick interaction which leaves me satiated and also able to focus. The windows don't look dirty because I am not looking for distractions, I have them on another tab if I need them.
This all leads me to conclude tonight that academics, scholars and researchers of the past - pre-computers, pre-internet and google and social networking must have laboured over their work. They must have been beaten down by the time it would take to get an answer to a simple question and they must have lived in MASSIVE houses with room upon room stuffed full of papers and notes and scribbles and letters and sweat and tears. So tonight I raise my glass to all researchers of the past. Well done you.
Now we are but a google tap away from polished footnotes and complete page references for any quotation I find myself thinking that this evening's work would have taken me days in the past. The actual physical act of writing would possibly not have varied that much but I would certainly have needed at least one trip to a library and a heck of a lot more patience. Tonight I have rewritten paragraphs - had a cup of tea - and then revised them. Once I am happy with them I get that feeling of completion, even if it is just with a sentence or paragraph. If I knew that I had to handwrite it again in some format once the whole project was complete I think the tea would have rapidly become gin.
My other observation was on-line communities. Whilst I have been working I have also been able to tweet, email and check the book of face. This is great. In the past, when working, I would dread the phone ringing because of the interruption but a little part of me would long for it so I had contact with someone, even if it was to tell them to sod off. Social networking means I can work and then email my supervisor - who is also up working - to ask them a question - and they get back to me. I can tweet a friend for some banal quick interaction which leaves me satiated and also able to focus. The windows don't look dirty because I am not looking for distractions, I have them on another tab if I need them.
This all leads me to conclude tonight that academics, scholars and researchers of the past - pre-computers, pre-internet and google and social networking must have laboured over their work. They must have been beaten down by the time it would take to get an answer to a simple question and they must have lived in MASSIVE houses with room upon room stuffed full of papers and notes and scribbles and letters and sweat and tears. So tonight I raise my glass to all researchers of the past. Well done you.
Sunday 27 March 2011
What a day!
Well it has been a bit of a roller-coaster today and I would be lying to say that some tears had not been shed along the way. I also have a stinking cold which fuzzes up the brain somewhat. However, I am pleased to say that I have finally finished my new and improved shiny research proposal and I am so pleased with it. It flows, there is an argument, there is a clear mode of research and actual identifiable outcomes. When I look at the jumble of my first proposal I am further convinced that I have made the right decision to make this change, despite the extra work. I am excited about the recommendations that could eventually sprout from this piece of work. It feels like there really is an opportunity to make a difference and I am delighted that I get to work on it. Tomorrow I need to tidy up a couple of paragraphs, update the bibliography and send it off to my supervisors and see what they make of it. FINGERS CROSSED. Right now I am going to have one last cup of tea and stick the electric blanket on. As hard a day as I have had in a long while, but ultimately rewarding.
A brave decision
Starting this blog is not the only brave thing I have done today. I have also decided to change the focus of my research slightly. It is possibly not the wisest of moves as I have ethical approval and have registered the PhD with a particular focus. However I don't believe the change is fundamentally different from my original intention, if anything it is sharpening the focus. I also believe that this change is the most honest thing to do as I really feel the new direction is vitally important.
My original proposal was to look at disabled people's access to the professional placement element of programmes such as Social Work, Nursing, Speech and Language Therapy and Probation. I still want to keep this focus on the placement environment because I believe it is fundamentally overlooked in legislation, guidance and policy. Students on placement find themselves as student and employee in an environment that doesn't quite accept them as either. However, I want to concentrate on issues of mental health within this environment and not on disability more generally. I believe mental health is an area that is misunderstood within society generally and when looking at areas where there are fitness to practice stipulations and health checks it becomes even more difficult.
The disclosure rates for students with mental health issues are very low and this does suggest to me that there is a lot of work to be done in this area. I would like this research to address why the support is lacking and the barriers remain.
My original proposal was to look at disabled people's access to the professional placement element of programmes such as Social Work, Nursing, Speech and Language Therapy and Probation. I still want to keep this focus on the placement environment because I believe it is fundamentally overlooked in legislation, guidance and policy. Students on placement find themselves as student and employee in an environment that doesn't quite accept them as either. However, I want to concentrate on issues of mental health within this environment and not on disability more generally. I believe mental health is an area that is misunderstood within society generally and when looking at areas where there are fitness to practice stipulations and health checks it becomes even more difficult.
The disclosure rates for students with mental health issues are very low and this does suggest to me that there is a lot of work to be done in this area. I would like this research to address why the support is lacking and the barriers remain.
And so it begins
I have been enrolled as a PhD student at DMU since January last year I am also an employee of DMU and work within the Faculty of Health and Life Sciences as a disability coordinator.
I have decided to start this blog to chart my progress as I move through the research. I hope that it will be a sounding board for me when I need to vent my frustrations with the research. I hope over time if I build up followers that it will also offer support to other people who find themselves in the same place that I am, which as any researcher knows, is often lonely. Research means late nights and early mornings. It means hours spent at a computer instead of socialising with friends or wandering in the sunshine. Research means compromise but it also reaps wonderful rewards.
In order to complete any successful research you must believe in what you are doing as it is the one thing that will keep you going when the teapot is empty and your eyes are sore. I do believe in my research. I believe very strongly that above all my research will be useful and not collect dust on a shelf somewhere. Let's hope so!
Since I have been enrolled on this PhD I have watched my partnership disintegrate and my life be turned upside down by divorce and a loss of hope. For a while the research bore the brunt of my emotional meltdown but now it is the thing that keeps me strong. Any project is conducted by a human being and that human being will have their ups and downs in the personal life and it will no doubt affect their writing, their perspective and the time they have to spend with their work. Research should never be used as therapy but it does give one a purpose and a focus when the world conspires against you.
This blog will not be an account of all the reading and writing that I am currently doing - my supervisors get this particular pleasure. Instead it will be a very honest account of the emotional journey that a PhD student goes through to get to their viva and beyond.
I have decided to start this blog to chart my progress as I move through the research. I hope that it will be a sounding board for me when I need to vent my frustrations with the research. I hope over time if I build up followers that it will also offer support to other people who find themselves in the same place that I am, which as any researcher knows, is often lonely. Research means late nights and early mornings. It means hours spent at a computer instead of socialising with friends or wandering in the sunshine. Research means compromise but it also reaps wonderful rewards.
In order to complete any successful research you must believe in what you are doing as it is the one thing that will keep you going when the teapot is empty and your eyes are sore. I do believe in my research. I believe very strongly that above all my research will be useful and not collect dust on a shelf somewhere. Let's hope so!
Since I have been enrolled on this PhD I have watched my partnership disintegrate and my life be turned upside down by divorce and a loss of hope. For a while the research bore the brunt of my emotional meltdown but now it is the thing that keeps me strong. Any project is conducted by a human being and that human being will have their ups and downs in the personal life and it will no doubt affect their writing, their perspective and the time they have to spend with their work. Research should never be used as therapy but it does give one a purpose and a focus when the world conspires against you.
This blog will not be an account of all the reading and writing that I am currently doing - my supervisors get this particular pleasure. Instead it will be a very honest account of the emotional journey that a PhD student goes through to get to their viva and beyond.
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